A New Joke Every Day

[Bandit]

If I had a fiver for every woman that found me ugly, one day they would eventually find me very attractive.

[Rodney]

When is it appropriate to boot a midget in the bollocks?
When he is standing next to your wife saying her hair smells nice!

[Dez]

What has got for legs but never moves ?
Half a spider.

[Sam]

Maths Teacher giving a lesson: "If I have 6 cans in one hand and 4 cans in the other hand, what would I have?"
Pupil: "A drinking problem, miss."

[Dez]

Peter said to his friend, "Your mam is so fat that when God said let there be light, she had to leave the area."

[Conti]

Q) what did the big telephone say to the little telephone?
A) You are too young to be engaged.

[Rodney]

Cattle in a field.
One cow says to the other, "Have you heard anything about mad cow disease?"
The other says, "its coming this way so its a good job that I am a giraffe."

[Biggsy]

What is the definition of beans on toast?
Skinheads on a raft

[Bystander]

A woman came to my door today and asked for a small donation for the local swimming baths.
I was only too willing to donate so I gave her a glass of water even though I am on a water meter

[Sam]

When someone calls you fat just say its God's way of making me easier to see.